The Writing Process

Writing is one of the most difficult and dangerous pass times in the universe. No, you do not risk being eaten or stabbed or drowned or smashed by a piano (unless, of course, you do your writing in a place where you are susceptible to such fates), but the writer daily endures unspeakable agony and depression, and generally fears for their sanity. For anyone who is not a writer, there is no way to make you truly understand. You say “It’s just writing words on a page!” Well, YOU’RE WRONG. It’s not just “Writing words on a page”. When a writer writes they are dragging their soul out, pulling it like taffy. They are trying to constrain their minds between lines on a page. If that’s not difficult enough, they are ripping their own hearts out and putting them out in the open, completely exposed in a world full of people who carry daggers around (metaphorically) for the soul purposed of shredding other people’s (metaphorical) hearts.

If you are not a writer and would like to become one, inspired by the description above, just follow these 10 simple steps!

Step 1

Get paper.

That wonderful glorious substance that will soon hold your masterpiece! I’m sure you’ve heard it said that a blank sheet of paper is full of possibilities. Isn’t that a joyous thought? Think of the wonders you will soon achieve!

Step 2

Choose your weapon. Pen. Pencil. Sword? I guess that could work if you want to scratch the words into the paper, but I wouldn’t recommend it.

Step 3

Write! Just write something! Something amazing and profound and hilarious and charming.

Step 4

Ha.

Ha, ha.

Chances are ‘Just write something!’ didn’t work so well. If it did, good for you. You can go publish your genius work of art and become a world wide best seller. The rest of us advance to step 4.

Stare at the paper. Just stare really hard. Sometimes if you stare hard enough, stories will come out of your eyes like lazer beams. (I mean, I’ve never experienced this personally, but I’ve always imagined it would happen someday).

Step 5

Think. Really really think. If your brain doesn’t hurt, you’re not thinking hard enough.

Step 6

Bang you head on the paper. To get the full effect of this make sure you are writing at a table or a desk. Just bang your head on it as hard as you can. It may loosen up the ideas.

(It may result in a concussion, which is a good thing as it would give you something to write about.)

Step 7

Remember how we said earlier that a blank page is full of possibilities? Well, welcome to step 7 where we learn the TRUTH.

A BLANK PAGE IS A BLANK PAGE. BLANK. BLANK MEANS NOT FULL OF ANYTHING.

Except despair.

Step 7 varies with the individual. It commonly includes: frustration, anguish, despondency, weeping, misery, depression, hopelessness, desolation, insanity, and, in some cases, even death.

Step 7 is sometimes known as Writer’s Block.

Step 8

Continued despair.

Thoughts may occur such as:

“I’m a failure.”

“I’ll never write anything worth reading.”

“…. I’ll never write anything at all.”

“I’m going to end up working at McDonalds for the rest of my life.”

“Why did I ever think I could do this?”

“I CAN’T do this.”

“AHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!”

Yes. All these thoughts are true. Go crawl into a hole and die you sorry excuse for an artist.

Step 9

No! You shall prevail! You will not be defeated by this blank page! Be brave! Be bold!

And then- wonder of wonders, miracle of miracles- you write the first sentence!

VICTORY!!!!!

Step 10

Repeat steps 4-9.

 

Good luck.

 

 

 

 

 

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