Watching movies is something that I greatly enjoy. I have a great love for complex characters and well crafted screenplays. Sometimes I find that I feel a profound connection between myself and the characters. I can relate to them on so many levels….
And then there are the times when I wonder where these people got all these special abilities of invincibility from and whether they are in fact still human beings.
What sort of things you ask? Here are 5 Things People in Movies Can Do (That I Can’t).
1. Pick Locks
This seems to be such a universal skill in books and movies. And sure it makes sense for secret agents and super spies- but what about when the perfectly ordinary twelve year old finds themselves trapped in the villain’s high-security headquarters? They’re locked in a windowless room and the only way out is the LOCKED DOOR. Oh no! All hope is lost! However will our dear protagonist escape? BUT WAIT! The protagonist has a bobby pin! They pick the lock in 3 seconds flat and take of running down the corridor.
I feel like this is something I should be able to do. I mean- if a perfectly ordinary twelve year old can do it in three seconds on the first try, why can’t I pick any lock more complicated than the ones that look like the top of an oversized flat head screw and can be opened with a penny?
2. Anything Athletic
Run. Hold myself up. Hold my breath. Lift a sword.Tolerate pain.
Seriously. They’re making me feel pathetic.
“She ran as fast and hard as she could, but was forced to stop and catch her breath after a few hours-”
Or “He dangled from the edge of the cliff by one hand, holding up his two best friends and a goat with the other-”
Or what about:
First Character: “You’re hurt!”
Second Character: “Oh, it’s only a three inch deep cut. I’ll just wrap it in your scarf and we can go on.”
Me: “I GOT A PAPER CUT! I CAN’T GO ON WITH LIFE! AHHHHHHHHHH!”
Or this one, which is actually from a book I read: The kid ducks under water to hide from someone. “He hadn’t had time to take a deep breath and didn’t think he could stay under for very long. Maybe two minutes.”
Two minutes? TWO MINUTES?! WHO ARE YOU? PERCY JACKSON?!?!?!
I think I can hold my breath for…. thirty seconds? Maybe?
3. Remember Things (Especially Numbers)
“We need the super special code to input into the device to save the world.”
“Ok. It’s 25530891784689920472938.”
“Aren’t you going to write it down?”
“Nope. I got it.”
Or what about when someone over hears an hour long conversation and then goes back to tell their chums about it? And tells them the whole conversation. WORD FOR WORD.
Me: “Well-uh- I think they said something about a ship- or a boat- No, a submarine! … I think. And they said they were going to attack on the 12th- or was it the 21st…?
Yeah. It’s a good thing no resistance fighters are counting on me. Everybody would die.
4. Drive Without Looking
Look, I know you’re in love or you’re having a really intense conversation or whatever- BUT YOU’RE DRIVING A CAR. LOOK AT THE ROAD.
Seriously. People are going to die.
Of course- they never do in the movies. The person driving can stare at the person in the passenger seat for five minutes straight and not even miss their exit.
But if I look away from the road for more than a few seconds… bad things are going to happen.
5. Save the World
I just…. Yeah. It’s not one of my skills.
But keep it up you highschoolers and twelve year olds. Keep it up.