One Quirk Later #8–Devious Plots and Allergies

Hello friends!

Yes, I did in fact fall off the face of the earth for a bit there, but I climbed back up so everything’s good now, eh?

The fact is, I’ve been frightfully busy, but no amount of busyness could prevent me from participating in Jem Jones‘ latest quirk! (Wow. I’m really tempting fate here. Watch me get absolutely slammed with busyness and fail to participate in the next quirk.)

For those of you unfamiliar with this delightful madness, to sum up: Jem gives us pictures, we write things, we all read the things, and a jolly good time is had by all.

Here is the prompt:

August 2021 quirk: apologies for the inconvenience of my murder

A few things you don’t need to know before you read what I wrote:

  • It’s actually…not super angsty this time???
  • The prompt looked like it had a lighter tone, but I almost took that as a challenge to MAKE IT ANGSTY ANYWAY. But I didn’t. Be proud of me.
  • 80s Pop II though. My childhood.
  • I have the song stuck in my head now. (UNTIL THE SUN WENT DOWN)

***

Dear Victor (the Vulturous),

 I apologize in advance for the inconvenience my murder is going to have on your life. Truly. It’s going to be frightfully tiresome—even downright maddening—and I’m certainly glad I won’t have to deal with it.

 Right about now, you’re probably scoffing, saying, “How could it inconvenience me?” or perhaps, “How could it be anything other than a triumph?” or even, “Any inconvenience will be vastly overshadowed by the triumph of having permanently disposed of you.” But I respectfully suggest you to consider the full implications of my death.

We’ve been at it for quite a long time now, haven’t we, old chap? I know all your weaknesses—and not just the fatal ones, but the exasperating ones as well.

For example. I know you can’t abide 80s pop music. Therefore, it might interest you to know I have arranged that, in the event of my death, 80s pop music will blare from the radios in every shop, car, and street in the entire city for a solid three months—a requiem to their fallen hero. I also know that you’re terribly allergic to every single variety of flower (except daffodils, of course), so there are going to be absolutely hundreds of sympathy bouquets sent to your flat, your country house, and your underground lair (the location of which I recently bribed from the young gentleman who delivers your pizzas—the poor boy said you never tip him and he was only too happy to disclose your information).

But of course you must be wondering why people will be sending sympathy bouquets to you. Well, that’s the best part—the absolute crowning glory of it all.

After I’m murdered, a full written confession will quite suddenly come to light, in which I explain how it was all a terrible misunderstanding and you were never my enemy or a villain of any kind. I’ve managed to explain it all rather brilliantly, if convolutedly, and the public is sure to believe every word.

To quote the lyrics of the excellent 80s pop hit “(Keep Feeling) Fascination”–which you’re going to be hearing a lot of over the next three months–“Well, the truth may need some rearranging / Stories to be told / And plain to see the facts are changing / No meaning left to hold.”

So you’ll become the tragic, misunderstood man who has just lost his dear friend, and it will be all sympathy bouquets and allergies and 80s pop hits and no one being the least bit intimidated by you ever again.

I do believe this is going to be the most excellently plotted attack I’ve ever launched against you. I can hardly wait to get started.

But it’s your move. So by all means, get your pieces in place for my murder.

Sincerely,

Adelram Fulbright

***

There you have it!

Honestly, I don’t see why Fulbright doesn’t just fake his own death if he has this brilliant plan, instead of waiting around for his adversary to murder him. But maybe he’s not as bright as his name suggests. Or maybe that is his plan and he just hasn’t told me.

Many thanks to the marvelous Jem Jones for the prompt!

Have you written anything lately? What sort of vibe do you get from the prompt? What brilliant blog posts have I missed in my absence? What’s a song that gives you intense nostalgia? What’s your stance on 80s pop music? Do tell!

10 thoughts on “One Quirk Later #8–Devious Plots and Allergies

  1. Oh my WORD THIS IS BRILLIANT AND HILARIOUS AND I LOVE IT. I just…it’s brilliant. It’s perfect. Down to details like the quote! I am so delighted by this, you don’t even know. *happy giggle*

    Liked by 1 person

  2. If I was the Victor, I’d fake MY death as soon as I could, move to Zimbabwe and live underground, and pray with all my heart Mr. Fulbright never found me.

    This is genius. I’d read a full-length book about these two. 😀

    Liked by 1 person

  3. BWAHAHAAA- hold on I’m tearing up, let me just- x’D

    ‘what’s my plan to defeat you, my dear villain? well! it involves persuading the public that you’re actually Soft and Misunderstood, good luck being a villain after that’ <- how could anyone NOT snort aloud at this character, honestly. And I can only imagine Victor's 'NOOOO! IS THAT EVEN ALLOWED, HOW' response, pffft.

    (Also you went for the allergies angle!! that's excellent xD )

    Thank you for bestowing this piece of joy upon us, Erik!!

    Liked by 1 person

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